The “Should”–How Our Inner Rules Shape Our Lives
Do you ever feel that, as an adult, the society seems to expect certain things from you–
should have a stable job
should be developing in your career
should be managing life in a particular way
The internal idea of “should” is a type of mental schema.
Where Do Our Inner “Shoulds” Come From?
We begin learning these since the moment we are born. Mainly because schemas are helpful for us navigating the world by setting certain expectations.
For instance, when you walk into a coffee shop, you don’t expect the waiter to approach you and ask what you’d like to order; your schema tells you that you should go to the counter to place your order.
Many mental schemas are unspoken and shaped by:
Cultural norms
Family expectations
Societal influences
Peer pressures
These “shoulds” guide us, helping us overcome challenges and giving us a sense of worth and safety.
When Internal ‘Shoulds’ Become Heavy: Signs to Notice
As life circumstances and phases change, the influence of “should” can sometimes feel heavy. Even without external judging voice, we may
Feel guilt/shame when we don’t meet a “should”
Feel anxious for not meeting the “should”
Avoid social situations due to feeling that I don’t fit in
Push ourselves to work harder in other areas
How to Quiet the Inner Critical Voice: Strategies Used in Anxiety Therapy in Bellevue
The key lies in recognizing which “shoulds” are helpful and which create unnecessary pressure. A first step is to notice “should” thoughts in daily life and reflect on what they mean for you.
1. Consider distinguishing between guidance that supports you versus expectations that feel burdensome.
2. Ask yourself whether there are choices you can make in each scenario
3. Try reframing “should” into “I prefer” or “I choose to.”
4. Reflect on the reasons and values behind your choices
This isn’t about changing how you live.
It’s about becoming more aware.
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! Awareness is the first step. By noticing your “shoulds,” you can begin to reclaim autonomy and create more freedom in how you live your life.
How Therapy Helps You Untangle ‘Shoulds’: Support from Therapists in Seattle & Bellevue
If you’d like to work through this process with professional guidance, you always have the option to reach out and schedule a consultation with Sunburst Psychology. Our experienced clinicians can work with you on:
Becoming more aware what are your “inner voice”
Distinguishing between helpful and unhelpful inner voices
Understanding what are the meaning behind inner voices
Practicing skills to manage the unhelpful inner voices
Learning to accept and challenge different inner voices
